How to turn your toxic stable gossip into a positive learning experience
I recently had a lovely lunch with some friends I had been long overdue in seeing.
It started out wonderfully but after the meeting was over and I had time to digest I realized I was not really adding to the conversation and there was no real MEAT to the topics of conversation.
AKA – we gossiped the whole time we were there.
I know when I am gossiping because I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I really don’t like what I am hearing and I’m not saying anything to stop it.
Stables and horsepeople are the hotbed of gossip as far as I can tell.
And where there are people trying to get ahead and get noticed, there are many opportunities to learn from them.
Here’s my take on how to learn from the gossip you hear.
Let’s face it …
No one likes gossip – well… no one likes to be talked about in a bad way.
So?
What can you do about it?
Stop engaging with the toxic horsepeople in your life
And don’t tell me you don’t know who they are.
This may mean un-following them on your social media as well as having “a talk” with them in person. The “break up talk”.
And I say social media because there are many people that we engage with, for good or bad, on social media that are not there to support you, but rather to cause negativity and outcry to boost their ratings.
You can’t just ignore them. They at least deserve an explanation.
“Un-following” on social media is the easy part,
Particularly if it is a celebrity or someone with a huge following that won’t notice that you are “not there” anymore.
But don’t be afraid.
Clear your aura. Rather than thinking about hurting their feelings, think about boosting your own self confidence.
You can start by putting a line in the sand.
Setting boundaries.
Not accepting hurtful things they say.
Asking them to stop.
And then, if they continue to step beyond the boundaries that YOU have put forward, then it’s time for you to take control and say, “buh-bye”.
How to know who to cut loose? In her article “How to Break Up with a Toxic Friend”, Marlen Komar outlines these four questions to ask yourself:
- Can I trust you?
- Are you committed to excellence?
- Do you care about and respect me?
- Do we bring out the best in each other?
If you answer “No” to any of these questions it will help you see where this person is coming from and their contribution to your friendship. One “No” means they really don’t care that much about you and it’s time to cut them loose.
Start Engaging with the People you DO Want in Your Life
Sounds simple enough, right?
If you would like to become a better rider, then start engaging with people who you would like to be like.
Here are a few of my favorite instagram accounts:
- Elirose.Equestrian – https://www.instagram.com/elirose.equestrian/
- Trick horses – https://www.instagram.com/ben_actionhorses/
- Saddle Seeks Horse – https://www.instagram.com/saddleseekshorse/
- The East Coast Equestrian – https://www.instagram.com/theecequestrian/
- Equestrian Skill Builders – https://www.instagram.com/theecequestrian/
There is no toxicity or gossiping here. Just forward thinking and tips to help you improve your riding.
How to Turn that Negative into a positive
While I was sitting, visiting, something was said to me.
“Michael thinks you’re not a great coach,” or words to that effect. I did the best “I don’t care what Michael said” look,
But
Inside my heart sank and my mind whirled.
Why would my “friend” say that to me? To my actual face?
What good could come of it? Someone blatantly saying they don’t think that I’m that good?
And
What kind of friend is this person to Michael to repeat something which was obviously told in confidence?
This is when I decided to “back up the bus” on my friendship and limit my involvement.
But of course, I did sit down and reviewed my coaching practices.
Don’t take it personally. There could be reasons Michael doesn’t like my coaching.
Reasons like:
- Most of my coaching is online
I offer courses, weekly live shows and judge & steward at horse shows
- My friend used to ride with Michael and now he is taking lessons with me
- Michael just sold his farm and is moving to somewhere else
- Michael had just asked me to sub in for him and I couldn’t do it
- Don’t know what other issues he’s been going through.
How to turn this into a positive
I reviewed my coaching practices and decided I could do better and bring in more people. BTW if you are looking for some fantastic online horse related training, check this out.
I decided that I wanted to improve my coaching and riding so I will dedicate time to investigating how others, I admire and how they do their coaching and incorporate some of their techniques into my program.
I also contacted some of my students to ask them personally;
- What their goals are
- What they wanted to work on
- Where they think their weaknesses are
And this is the big one
- Where do you think my weaknesses are?
(This is a lie, I actually haven’t done this, yet but it is a good idea and if I wasn’t such a weeney I’d probably do it.)
Don’t get me wrong I like to get caught up on “the news” but at some point when people start to say, “You have to promise not to repeat this but…”.
That is a sure fire way that the next thing out of their mouth is not going to be a positive thing.
I remember having a conversation with someone once who said, “if you repeat what I said, I will deny that I said it.”
That kind of sets the table for what is going to be said.
Set an Example
Easy to say.
And (maybe) easy to do.
You can be a good role model.
Everyone knows that person who would like their opinion known.
And as your mother or maybe even grandmother said, “if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all”.
Raise your standards and don’t take part in the gossip.
Turn and walk away
Or
Better yet, put a positive spin on whatever they have to say.
Nothing shuts up a nay-sayer faster than saying something positive.
This sends a message that you don’t want to hear the negative and pretty soon people will get the drift.
The other thing you can do is call them out on it.
That means actually say something to them,
Or
To someone in charge; the barn manager for example.
Now, what do you do if the barn manager is the perpetrator? Then it is up to you to take them aside and objectively outline, with examples of how the gossip is hurting their business.
Gossip for better or worse is one way of sharing news and information but when bad things are said about good people then it serves no purpose and should be stopped.
I work with equestrians of all types to help them improve their riding and training and win more ribbons and accomplish their goals and no gossip.
You can learn more about that here.
or if you’d like to discuss in more detail how I can help you, please email me. I’d love to hear from you.
Thanks,
~Laura
P.S.
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